Kelsey: Hanlin Insurance. This is Kelsey. How may I help you?
Clark: Merry Christmas, Kelsey, and a zippity-doo-dah-New Year to you, too! (off phone) Honey! Where’s the Tylenol?
Kelsey: I’m sorry, sir…
Clark: Clark!
Kelsey: Is everything okay, Clark?
Clark: Why wouldn’t everything be okay? I’m enjoying the traditions of the holidays with my wonderful kith and kin. Kelsey: Well, you sound a little tense. Do you need insurance?
Clark: Who? Me? No, I’m just bumbling… Browsing! Browsing for a claim. Not a claim! I don’t have a claim, at least not in the sense that you think I said.
Kelsey: If you’re looking for coverage, I can help you find what you need.
Clark: I may have a few general questions. Nothing specific.
Kelsey: Ask away!
Clark: Let’s start with auto insurance. What if my car’s paint job is shredded by a twenty-foot Christmas tree?
Kelsey: That is a huge tree.
Clark: It’s not huge. Just…full!
Kelsey: Yes. The shredded paint caused by the tree would certainly be covered!
Clark: Fantastic! Speaking of the old family station wagon, does auto insurance cover road rage?
Kelsey: You mean if an aggressive driver were to cause you to have an accident?
Clark: Sort of! What if some liver-lipped jack-a-ninny is riding my bumper! Later, I try to pass him and crash into a snow bank. Hypothetically speaking!
Kelsey: Hypothetically, did he run you off theroad?
Clark: Hypothetically, I ran myself off the road. After I hypothetically veered under a semi!
Kelsey: You were driving under a semi?
Clark: Let’s not get bogged down in the details, Kelsey!
Kelsey: Well, then, no. Road rage is caused by risky and unsafe driving behavior and any damage caused by such acts are not covered.
Clark: Well isn’t that the biggest bag over the head! Forget the whole road rage thing. What about if I just drove into a snowbank?
Kelsey: Yes. That would fall under your collision coverage. Call your local insurance agent to have them file a claim. Take your vehicle to a body shop for damage estimates. Be mindful of your set deductible and be aware that you are responsible for paying the deductible amount.
Clark: I see. Speaking of vehicles, do you cover RVs?
Kelsey: Absolutely. We love RVs!
Clark: And what if the shi-… the toilet is full! If the sanitation system malfunctions?
Kelsey: Sure thing! If it is part of the RV and the owner has proper coverage on his motor home, then the sanitation system can easily be cleaned and fixed.
Clark: Hallelujah! Enough about cars! Does home insurance cover windows. Broken by a rapidly expanding Christmas tree?
Kelsey: I’m not sure what you mean by a “rapidly” expanding Christmas tree but, yes, there is coverage for the broken windows caused by the tree.
Clark: What about a broken gutter? What if I’m the one who broke the gutter?
Kelsey: Yes! With proper coverage, home owners insurance covers the roof and gutters.
Clark: What about unexplained holes in the ceiling?
Kelsey: Yes! Your homeowners insurance will cover those unexplained holes you keep finding in your ceiling.
Clark: Funny that you mention that, because right around the time I was hanging off my gutters, someone broke my neighbor’s window and smashed their stereo. Can you believe they accused me!
Kelsey: Any damage you cause to your neighbor’s home would be covered by your homeowners policy.
Clark: Well, that’s great! Thanks for all your help. Sorry I was a little steamed before. The holidays can be a bit stressful, as you well know, and my wife says that I have slightly unrealistic expectations for the season!
Kelsey: I’m glad I could help. Do you have any other questions?
Clark: I wasn’t going to bring it up, but what about kidnapping? Like if my misguided cousin kidnaps my boss, ties him up in a big red bow, then gives him to me as a Christmas gift.
Kelsey: I’m afraid we don’t provide that sort of coverage.
Clark: So you think my cousin, Eddie, is going to jail?
Kelsey: Probably.
Clark: Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
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